My cat gives me a boner
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
