talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
