im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
