Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
