please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
