You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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