I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
