no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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