you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Terrible idea I love it
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
