I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
