i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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