i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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