Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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