Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
