It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
