My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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