why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
