you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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