how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
