I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
