she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
