You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
