Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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