Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
