You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
