Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
two words: eviction party
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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