Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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