she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
