Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
