While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
