dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
