I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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