I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
