So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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