Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
