I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
