I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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