He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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