Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
