who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
