wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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