it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
