Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
wanna go halves on a baby?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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