No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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