Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
