omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
