I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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