That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
