just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
