He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
