His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
