i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
